This world is insane right now.
Riots, looting, protests.
Rage, hate, disrespect.
I could voice my opinion about all of this but I don’t have enough energy to put my thoughts about it to paper anymore. These last two weeks have drained Hugo and I physically, as we worked twelve hour shifts non-stop and without any time off to breath. Since late May, just as we all began to emerge from the COVID-19 cocoon, our country erupted into a nightmare and it sucked any remaining life out of my body.
I have lost faith in a lot of things recently, the most important of which is people. Humans, mainly the Americans you see torching police cars, running out of a burglarized Foot Locker with arm-loads of stolen sneakers, or proudly marching with a nonsense sign high above their masked heads, are ignorant and misled regarding the entire dialogue. But, like I said, I don’t have enough energy to fight or defend the truth. Not everything has to be about race – in fact, if we took race out of the picture, all that would be left in the majority of these recent shooting incidents would be a criminal being contacted by police, the individual not cooperating with simple requests, the subsequent fight between the police and suspect, followed ultimately by a shooting. None of us should comment on these tense, rapidly evolving, dynamic situations, particularly when we weren’t there, don’t have all the facts and know nothing about it.
Part of me wants to run away, with my dearest Hugo of course, and the other part wants to fight, for what is right. The will to stand up to bullshit is in my O+ blood. My spirit is riddled with the need to convince the commoners of the real story, but in this unfortunate scenario, no one will come out as a winner.
My small circle of Hugo, the pups, and I are stressed. As the perimeter of my circle expands, I can see the fear and uncertainty these times bring to my parents, both of whom have been barricaded at their country farm for months, watching American cities, once crippled with coronavirus deaths, now set ablaze by unemployed, college-aged antagonists. Look even further and spot the turmoil in our government and infrastructure, the pandemic we are still very much experiencing, and the ongoing climate crisis our planet is embroiled in, all of which our own president doubts. It is overwhelming and I feel suffocated with negativity, as I’m sure many people do. I want out, of this country at times and of the year 2020 as a whole. I want change too, but not the type everyone is screaming about on the 5 o’clock news. For the record, all cops are not bastards and I am sickened by the idea of anyone being evil enough to feel that way. Imagine if recklessly bold and inflammatory generalizations like that were made about any other group in the world – it is wrong in so many ways and very hurtful to all of the wonderful police officers and their families I know.
Zooming the lens for a moment back to my circle, the only way for me to mentally survive to see the remainder of my weekend and beyond is to focus on the good that still exists. A lot of these problems cannot be changed by me so it isn’t worth stressing over them. Trying to offer the fair opinion about how there are problematic employees, ‘bad apples’ if you will, in every field of work, would fall on deaf ears, unwilling to even entertain a two-sided conversation. I won’t alter the minds of the sheep-like masses – even a pipeline of truth shoved into their Twitter-obsessed souls wouldn’t rework their closed minds, as they see and believe only that which fits the dialogue they want. I also won’t impact major governmental decisions, most of which are fueled by corrupt and self-serving politicians. Come to think of it, I am really not involved with any of this on any level. That makes me mildly relieved but also disappointed because I am stuck living in a world where all of these major, major issues are happening and I can’t do a god damn thing about it.
I can, however, hug my Hugo a little bit harder when he comes into bed just after midnight tonight, another thankless shift behind him, serving the people on the news who just don’t care. Makes me sad and still a little bit scared of where we are going and when it will stop. I find balance in my husband and an incredible amount of strength, which I have learned to siphon off him. He is the calming force in my life, as the world rages loud right outside of our windows. Through him I have learned to just shut the curtains and focus on all the good inside our loving home.