I wish I believed in God sometimes
because
then I could thank God
every day
that I have you.
With love, ♥K
Category: Poetry
The best panic attack
I can’t put words around my feelings
that fit the wholes inside my brain
I try so hard to find the meaning
of what is going on with him.
And then I lost my fucking mind and feared I’d never get it back
Crawling outta my god damn skin, caught in the best panic attack.
Sitting frozen on the couch
Waiting for him to come carry me
Out of the feelings that I’m feeling
and back to me just being me.
Thoughts flooding my confused emotion
A million fears keep creeping in
If I can’t stop this flooded ocean
I might drown right now, I’m dead.
And then I lost my fucking mind and feared I’d never get it back
Crawling outta my god damn skin, caught in the best panic attack.
Now several weeks have passed us by
And I still feel just all the same
Grateful for him beyond all words
Wouldn’t wanna thing to change.
Right before I lost my fucking mind and feared I’d never get it back
Crawling outta my god damn skin, I escaped the best panic attack.
Writer’s note: This poem was written on November 29, 2019, in the midst of a very transformative experience with Hugo by my side. I can still hear the music that goes to the words as I sing it out loud. If you, the reader, happens to be a singer and/or musician capable of strumming a simple guitar chord, please message me. I would love to hear this set to the beat I have in my head.
Insecto del amor
Time stops for no one,
time eventually runs out for all.
Before I truly started life, I found you,
into an enthralling world of love I fall.
We grew and thankfully grew together,
like a vine I raveled tightly on
the sturdy shelter found in your shoulders,
my solo wander and lonely existence was gone.
It isn’t always easy and I wouldn’t want it if it was.
You push me with your passion for me, for life,
have shown me how strength in character, purpose and love
feels on my skin. Thankful to be your wife.
♥ Written on Thursday, August 29th, 2019, at 8:45pm – missing Hugo as he worked a sixteen hour shift at work.
A day
Wake up.
Quick, turn the blaring alarm off before he stirs.
Rush to shower, dress, do chores, time is ticking before you are late, but you’re early for another day of the same.
You watch the clock and wait until the hours tick by and the day is done
Just because it’s work because if it was good or filled with love, you wouldn’t want it to end.
When it’s all over though, you will have watched all of these days drift away all because you needed to work for a purpose, or what you thought was important or worth it.
You only work to afford all the things that you think that you need but do we really need any or half or a quarter of what it all is?
Could we downsize and minimize and compromise and possibly help one another a little bit more in this world so we all didn’t have to…
Wake up.
Torn but not broken
Try to stop the distance from tearing us apart.
Been away too long and we just aren’t
From strong, to fair, to fading
No matter how much we fight for a strong love, we end up with fringes.
Try to stop the distance from tearing me apart
When we talk, its not the same
We want to fight the inevitable but sometimes the world happens without our permission
Your cold lack of interest in my life, wants and dreams
Hurts my heart, doesn’t matter if you mean it or not
You only care about yourself, I don’t care what you say
You only think of what you want, need and feel – I am an afterthought, don’t care if you deny it.
This smothering blanket of uncertainty and, and, and
You are selfish and sick, sad in the head and ill in the chest
Your only child keeps screaming out for something more
Your only wife tries hard, you just ignore.
Try to stop the distance from tearing you apart
We are all you have
You don’t love yourself
You taught me to be depressed and insecure and to not love me
Just like you don’t love you
Now I struggle with the same pain
And I hurt my partner, just as you’ve done
Thank god for reflection and change so I don’t repeat the same mistakes as the generation before.
Try to stop you from tearing me limb from limb
The mind corrupts, the body follows
The father leads, the child learns
I’ve gotten good from you but also all of the dark
Deep, lost and broken puzzle
As you fall closer into.
What is love
What is love
Not a question really, more of a statement
His hands roughly massage the arch of my bare right foot
He does it because he loves me, he does it because he wants to make me feel good, relax, at ease
He does it because he is a beautiful soul who cares more about his wife than anyone or anything else
And he would do it forever, without having to be asked
The feelings of love, that have grown from small sprouts of attraction into stalks of the deepest bond
Eternal, life-devouring, my other half
Some search their whole lives to find this or feel a fraction of it on any given day
On this Tuesday night, I am unapologetically drowning in it
I never want it to fade, we never want it to subside
All I can be is thankful for him
Diligent in loving him back
Careful to never take it for granted.
06.27.18
I do not want for with you
Want for more
Want for others.
You surround my existence
Rather, you define my existence
by truly being
my everything.
Every part of love that I could ever need
Every part of a perfect day
that has us in it, together.
2.29.04
Rightfully disconnected fear
Severed membrane surrounding bloodied tears
Incandescent lighting is a must
Slowly, painfully rolling onward towards dusk.
Sadly mistaken for someone dead
I think I feel like crawling towards that nine foot bed
For it is there that I can rest my swollen head
as I and we struggle to remember a handful of ignorant things said.
The glow of night and screaming ambulances rush on
Over four inches of snow, slush, salt and slime.
Steam sizzles over streets, sidewalks, someone else’s wet feet
Drinking coffee, pull the shades over my comfy sheets.
Hang your head out of the window and shout through the stale winter air
Consciousness return to me and this pen I shall spare.
Roller coaster over the hills of a desolate plain
Realistic, dreary yet genius you could never remain.
Why must I lie here with half-dry sweat pants?
To me this life isn’t worth breathing without another chance.
Drive my car without seeing the lines ahead
Hoping someone like you may deliver me into morning
Because smoking my lungs into oatmeal came without warning.
Painting, attempting to create your personal version of Candyland
In hopes of living the dreams of a life spent mainly on sand.
To all those that have come before me – thank you for the history.
Burn the mystery
Class isn’t worth it
The way I feel when I waste my ending time is equivalent to a dimly lit dark pit.
And a message to the many new souls about to be spouted into life:
Be happiness in sunshine, clear water, red light.
See the day as the answer to the question too many forget
Don’t give into the cycle, never roll over, not yet, never yet.
Weaving a hated miracle only because you’re told to see the light
If you tell them to not turn left
They will eventually go right.
Resist the advertisement of thousands gone wrong
Smiling as I laugh, the people will always hurry on.
A lonesome car parks speedily at the emergency room lot
Rushing to save a life that seems necessary, maybe not.
I see the masses whisper and wonder and worry
I also see the anxiety, the misfortune, unneeded scurry
Some have thought, wondered and most always will
Am I the one that finally saw it
or am I the one looking for a cheap thrill?
Order clothes, buy food, eat, sleep, drink
Be merry, get married
I plan to spend my life out of the cave that appears rather buried.
Away from the capitalist, economist, greedy FUCKS
Content with myself, born with steady luck.
