The best panic attack

I can’t put words around my feelings

that fit the wholes inside my brain

I try so hard to find the meaning

of what is going on with him.


And then I lost my fucking mind and feared I’d never get it back

Crawling outta my god damn skin, caught in the best panic attack.


Sitting frozen on the couch

Waiting for him to come carry me

Out of the feelings that I’m feeling

and back to me just being me.


Thoughts flooding my confused emotion

A million fears keep creeping in

If I can’t stop this flooded ocean

I might drown right now, I’m dead.


And then I lost my fucking mind and feared I’d never get it back

Crawling outta my god damn skin, caught in the best panic attack.


Now several weeks have passed us by

And I still feel just all the same

Grateful for him beyond all words

Wouldn’t wanna thing to change.


Right before I lost my fucking mind and feared I’d never get it back

Crawling outta my god damn skin, I escaped the best panic attack.



Writer’s note:  This poem was written on November 29, 2019, in the midst of a very transformative experience with Hugo by my side.  I can still hear the music that goes to the words as I sing it out loud.  If you, the reader, happens to be a singer and/or musician capable of strumming a simple guitar chord, please message me.  I would love to hear this set to the beat I have in my head.

Insecto del amor

Time stops for no one,

time eventually runs out for all.

Before I truly started life, I found you,

into an enthralling world of love I fall.


We grew and thankfully grew together,

like a vine I raveled tightly on

the sturdy shelter found in your shoulders,

my solo wander and lonely existence was gone.


It isn’t always easy and I wouldn’t want it if it was.

You push me with your passion for me, for life,

have shown me how strength in character, purpose and love

feels on my skin.  Thankful to be your wife.


♥ Written on Thursday, August 29th, 2019, at 8:45pm – missing Hugo as he worked a sixteen hour shift at work.


A day

Wake up.

Quick, turn the blaring alarm off before he stirs.

Rush to shower, dress, do chores, time is ticking before you are late, but you’re early for another day of the same.

You watch the clock and wait until the hours tick by and the day is done

Just because it’s work because if it was good or filled with love, you wouldn’t want it to end.

When it’s all over though, you will have watched all of these days drift away all because you needed to work for a purpose, or what you thought was important or worth it.

You only work to afford all the things that you think that you need but do we really need any or half or a quarter of what it all is?

Could we downsize and minimize and compromise and possibly help one another a little bit more in this world so we all didn’t have to…

Wake up.

Torn but not broken

Try to stop the distance from tearing us apart.

Been away too long and we just aren’t

From strong, to fair, to fading

No matter how much we fight for a strong love, we end up with fringes.


Try to stop the distance from tearing me apart

When we talk, its not the same

We want to fight the inevitable but sometimes the world happens without our permission

Your cold lack of interest in my life, wants and dreams

Hurts my heart, doesn’t matter if you mean it or not

You only care about yourself, I don’t care what you say

You only think of what you want, need and feel – I am an afterthought, don’t care if you deny it.


This smothering blanket of uncertainty and, and, and

You are selfish and sick, sad in the head and ill in the chest

Your only child keeps screaming out for something more

Your only wife tries hard, you just ignore.


Try to stop the distance from tearing you apart

We are all you have

You don’t love yourself

You taught me to be depressed and insecure and to not love me

Just like you don’t love you

Now I struggle with the same pain

And I hurt my partner, just as you’ve done

Thank god for reflection and change so I don’t repeat the same mistakes as the generation before.


Try to stop you from tearing me limb from limb

The mind corrupts, the body follows

The father leads, the child learns

I’ve gotten good from you but also all of the dark

Deep, lost and broken puzzle

As you fall closer into.


What is love

What is love

Not a question really, more of a statement


His hands roughly massage the arch of my bare right foot

He does it because he loves me, he does it because he wants to make me feel good, relax, at ease

He does it because he is a beautiful soul who cares more about his wife than anyone or anything else

And he would do it forever, without having to be asked


The feelings of love, that have grown from small sprouts of attraction into stalks of the deepest bond

Eternal, life-devouring, my other half

Some search their whole lives to find this or feel a fraction of it on any given day


On this Tuesday night, I am unapologetically drowning in it

I never want it to fade, we never want it to subside

All I can be is thankful for him

Diligent in loving him back

Careful to never take it for granted.


I do not want for with you

Want for more

Want for others.


You surround my existence

Rather, you define my existence

by truly being

my everything.


Every part of love that I could ever need

Every part of a perfect day

that has us in it, together.



Rightfully disconnected fear

Severed membrane surrounding bloodied tears

Incandescent lighting is a must

Slowly, painfully rolling onward towards dusk.


Sadly mistaken for someone dead

I think I feel like crawling towards that nine foot bed

For it is there that I can rest my swollen head

as I and we struggle to remember a handful of ignorant things said.


The glow of night and screaming ambulances rush on

Over four inches of snow, slush, salt and slime.

Steam sizzles over streets, sidewalks, someone else’s wet feet

Drinking coffee, pull the shades over my comfy sheets.


Hang your head out of the window and shout through the stale winter air

Consciousness return to me and this pen I shall spare.


Roller coaster over the hills of a desolate plain

Realistic, dreary yet genius you could never remain.

Why must I lie here with half-dry sweat pants?

To me this life isn’t worth breathing without another chance.


Drive my car without seeing the lines ahead

Hoping someone like you may deliver me into morning

Because smoking my lungs into oatmeal came without warning.

Painting, attempting to create your personal version of Candyland

In hopes of living the dreams of a life spent mainly on sand.


To all those that have come before me – thank you for the history.

Burn the mystery

Class isn’t worth it

The way I feel when I waste my ending time is equivalent to a dimly lit dark pit.


And a message to the many new souls about to be spouted into life:

Be happiness in sunshine, clear water, red light.

See the day as the answer to the question too many forget

Don’t give into the cycle, never roll over, not yet, never yet.


Weaving a hated miracle only because you’re told to see the light

If you tell them to not turn left

They will eventually go right.

Resist the advertisement of thousands gone wrong

Smiling as I laugh, the people will always hurry on.


A lonesome car parks speedily at the emergency room lot

Rushing to save a life that seems necessary, maybe not.


I see the masses whisper and wonder and worry

I also see the anxiety, the misfortune, unneeded scurry

Some have thought, wondered and most always will

Am I the one that finally saw it

or am I the one looking for a cheap thrill?


Order clothes, buy food, eat, sleep, drink

Be merry, get married

I plan to spend my life out of the cave that appears rather buried.

Away from the capitalist, economist, greedy FUCKS

Content with myself, born with steady luck.